I'm sure you've all heard that chatter about the need to make social media more real, more raw and more about real life. Well put on your seatbelt on, we're about to go for a bumpy ride.
This post is probably going to be one of the most personal ones I have ever written about. To be honest, this is the first time I have ever actually sat down to write about it. By "it", I mean anxiety. Anxiety is defined by the feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease. Typically, most that suffer from anxiety get it about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I suffer from anxiety and I suffer bad.
It's a funny thing because people use the term so lightly. It's pretty normal to feel anxious when you have to speak in front of a large crowd or have a big test or even an important job interview. Feelings of nervousness and anxiety are normal human reactions, yet sometimes they don't get taken seriously.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been a super perfectionist with hints of OCD here and there. I remember every single day feeling so stressed that I was going to be late for school that my parents changed the time on the clock so I wouldn't get into such a panic every morning before school. I was in elementary school you guys. I should have only been worrying about what new episode of Hannah Montana was going to be on that weekend.
So, you can only imagine what it grew into years later when I came into actual, real, grown up responsibilities.
The best way I can describe anxiety is the constant worry feeling, the feeling like you are forgetting something. You imagine all the scenarios in your head and just stew over what is going to happen. I am a planner. I set HUGE expectations in my head for how I think things will go and because of that anxiety and those expectations, I am often let down and find myself doubting and feeling discouraged. Like I said, anxiety is a funny thing. You can't see it on the outside and you would probably never even know I had it until now.
Most days are good, but there are certain times of the year or even the week that it gets the worst. Believe it or not, the holidays are the worst time for me when it comes to anxiety. I love my life and I feel so blessed and fortunate that I get to live the one I do every single day, but there are triggers for me. Some days I have to convince myself to get out of bed, I have to give myself pep talks about why it is important to go out and live my life and not stay home and let my anxiety win, but sometimes it does.
My personality is somewhere between an introvert and an extrovert. I can really talk people up and be kind of funny when I'm in the mood, but the introvert in me needs alone time to recharge, but sometimes that alone time is what makes the anxiety worse.
Easton likes to tell me that my mind goes 8294724 miles a minute and that I live my life in 6 month chunks at a time rather than taking it day by day. No wonder I have anxiety right? It's the weirdest thing to pinpoint, but it's one of the hardest things to deal with. When I get bad episodes of anxiety, it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest, I toss and turn while I dream about all the worse possible case scenarios that could happen over the smallest and most simple things. It's a problem you guys, but I know I am not alone and that there are other people out there with the same struggle and that is why I am sharing this with you.
I literally have had this reoccurring dream for probably the past four years now where my teeth fall out. Every dream I am in a different scenario, but in some way, shape or form my teeth fall out or become loose. That is anxiety my friends and it manifests itself in my dreams. Sucks huh?
I guess the whole purpose of me writing this is that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. You never know what monsters someone is facing or what keeps the up at night. That is why it is so important to practice kindness in everything you do. Help those in need, love those who are lonely and never judge a book by it's cover.
As far as treating my anxiety goes, I am still working on that part. I don't believe that medication can help me, but simply rewiring my brain to take life one day at a time because you aren't even promised tomorrow. I am working on my breathing and finding peace in things that help me forget all that my anxiety brings. So HMU if you have any suggestions on the best yoga place or any natural supplements that help counteract the effects of this stupid thing.
They wanted real, so I gave them real. This was really hard for me to write and was kind of just a spew of my feelings with no real organization so I apologize for that. I wrote this post in hopes it can help others to see that you aren't broken, whatever you are dealing with, we will get through this together. I promise.
Thanks for reading and thank you for allowing me to have a space where I can be real, honest and vulnerable. I only hope for the best reactions and that I can be a light for someone who is struggling with whatever inner battle they face in their life.